Dear Mr Potter
by master of cheese graters
Summary: Like all good supervillians Voldemort writes letters to his ascosiates occasionally. Inspired by the story 'Dear Foolish Little Brother'.
1. Chapter 1

Summary: Like all good supervillians Voldemort writes letters to his acquaintances occasionally, Rated T for language and sick humor. Inspired by Dear Foolish Little Brother.

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, though I would like to own a Dementor.

Dear Mr. Potter,

How are you and your friends doing today? Recently I made a necklace out of your parent's finger bones, it's lovely. I ought to show it to you. Anyway take the dark path and live with loathing.

Your lord and master,

Voldemort

Dear Voldemort,

What the bloody hell is your problem? You're writing me a letter as if we're on good terms with one another. Incase you've forgotten, you killed my parents and orphaned me before I could even remember their faces. I'm not sure how you feel, but I happen to hate your guts. Just go choke on a raspberry or something.

Fuck you,

Harry Potter

Dear Mr. Potter,

Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?...Wait don't answer that since you can't anyway. After all how can you hope to kiss a corpse whose skull I happen to use as a goblet, your father's is reserved for guests. Anyway I was wondering how that bumbling idiot Hagrid was doing. I hope he has forgiven me for eating his children and getting him expelled, yes Mr. Potter Hagrid used to have children…until I ate them of course. I wonder how his wife (cough slut cough) is doing. The reason I got him expelled was because I was bored. Remember let your hatred fuel your desires and goals to become an angst-ridden emotional failure.

Yours truly,

Voldemort

Dear Voldemort,

I hate you, you know that? Did you really have do that to my parent's skulls OR Hagrid's children, and his wife isn't a slut. What else did you do to them you fucking prick? You should have just cremated them if you didn't bury them.

I hate you asshole,

Harry Potter

Dear Mr. Potter,

Cremated them? Heavens no you imbecile! To burn such fine corpses would be a terrible waste that should be punishable by law. As for what else I did with your parents, after I removed their bones for other uses I stuffed them with pudding. During Thanksgiving I invited over the counsel of evil and we enjoyed your parents as the main course. Don't worry there are plenty of leftovers for later, I know I'll send you a piece to enjoy while reading this. I would've eaten their souls but they were brave souls (not my type since I don't like the taste of marshmallows, yes brave souls taste like marshmallows.) I prefer innocent souls as they taste like chocolate. That's all I remember as to what I did with their bodies.

Do you like the gift?,

Voldemort

Dear Voldemort,

You ate my parents and sent me my mother's foot!? What kind of sick twisted monster are you? Why? Why did you do it? Why did you kill them in the first place anyway? I hate you!

I'll kill you,

Harry Potter

Dear Mr. Potter

Why did I kill them you ask? Simple really, I was taking a night stroll after devouring a newborn girl. I was wearing a new cloak I bought that night. When I passed your parent's house that night I stopped. I heard your parent's laughing and it burned my ears. I was just going to curse their car for that when I looked down, and got mad. There on my new, expensive cloak were orange blotches of stains from your parent's aura of happiness. Don't ask how emotions can stain clothing as I don't feel like explaining the complex physics to a complete and total weakling. What happens next is history as you know it. That is why I did it okay? Not that silly rumor saying that I feared you'll be stronger than me. You'll always be weak, though I have no idea why people think I tried to use the killing curse on you. I just decided to do a scarring spell on you (I felt like being creative so I made it lightning shaped) I decided to let the rumor of you being 'the boy who lived' spread because I found it highly amusing. You're probably getting hungry while reading this so being the kind charitable psycho that I am I sent you your mother's left eye. If my experience serves me well then eyeballs usually taste like strawberry gelatin. Now that I think about it most of the human body parts taste like some sort of sweet treat. That is quite humorous if you ask me.

How did the foot taste?,

Voldemort

Dear Voldemort,

You're a sicko, a freakin sicko. You killed my parents because the stained your clothing with laughing? What the bloody hell kind of childhood were you brought up in? Did your father give you to Michael Jackson? Was your mother a whore? Because if that's true then that would explain a lot.

You're a sicko,

Harry Potter

Dear Mr. Potter,

Many people have told me I was a sicko. As for your questions about my childhood; my father was Michael Jackson since he had an affair with my mother. chuckles What made it funny was that I was the reason for his problems, my mere presence alone caused him to have hallucinations and nightmares about being raped and abused until he got tolerant about it and even started enjoying it sigh and he would make a really good prison bitch too. Anyway that's why he became a pedophile, as for the constant plastic surgeries, well not even I with my great expanses of knowledge know of the proper answer to that. As for my mother grins insanely I wasn't even born properly. How you ask? Let's just say that I ripped my way out of my mother before she even went into labor which of course killed her. After I escaped, my mother's corpse served as my first truly nourishing meal, and her soul served as a delicious dessert. I hear that if you devour your closest friends that it is simply the most exquisite tasting meal you'll ever taste in existence. Since I lack friends I ask you this, would you please eat Mr. Ronald Weasley and Ms. Hermione Granger and tell me in exact detail how they taste? If you do I would really appreciate that favor. Remember; wallow in your hatred to die alone as a mental case.

Your good friend,

Voldemort

Dear Voldemort,

This letter has been enchanted to kill whoever opens it. Die and rot at the gates of Hades you freak.

Screw you,

Harry Potter

Dear Mr. Potter,

That letter was opened up by my good servant Peter Pettigrew. I liked him as he was my most faithful servant with unwavering determination. We're going to have to have a 'talk' very soon.

Sincerely,

A rather peeved Voldemort

And that my friends is why Lord Voldemort decided to attack during the Triwizard Tournament.


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: The only thing I own is the cheese grater wielding kitty-ninjas. So hah!**

Dear Voldemort,

You Fag. I hate you. Go die and rot in Hell. There was no need for you to kill Cedric Diggory. He was a good quidditch captain who was Irreplaceable and a good friend. Wah!

You fag,

Harry Potter

Dear Mr. Potter,

Does somebody need a hug? Cause let me assure you that I'm not exactly hug material…unless you count constricting the life out of children, though that usually happens with my hands around their necks. Other then that I'm A+ material when it comes to 'hugs' as the kids call them (mmm, delicious children.) However I digress, Mr. Diggory… Ah yes! He at least was somewhat of a gentlemen, which made killing him all that more enjoyable. You should take some classes from him…oh wait, I killed him. Oops! My bad! I should send you a care package since I can't give you a much needed hug at the moment. Oh well maybe another time. Cheers my darling I'll see you soon.

Love and hugs,

Voldemort

Dear Voldemort,

… … … What. The. Hell. Is wrong with you!!! Good God your messed up in the head. Not only that you're taunting me and rubbing it all in my face! Hugs? Gentlemen? Ahhhhh! Grrrrr! Rrrrrrrrrrrrrr (Translation: Ooh I'm so mad I could just puke and cut myself. But first I need chocolate.)

Grrr!,

Harry Potter

Dear Mr. Potter,

I just love your choice of diction; tell me did you learn that from Mr. Rubeus or a troll. Actually you probably learned it from Mr. Rubeus since a troll can't physically make the sounds you portrayed. I could teach you proper grammar if you so desire, we would both benefit from it. You would have better social skills and I wouldn't have to listen to those butchered noises that you think are English. It would be difficult at first, but methinks that we could work out a system over owls what say you? Tell you what; if during our contact you pronounce bad language, then I'll correct you. If you don't like it…well I'm not going to listen to you anyway. If you have nothing but something stupid to say then all I can suggest is to remember my favorite Mark Twain quote: "It is better to keep your mouth closed and to appear stupid, then to open it and remove all doubt." Granted you've already removed all doubt, but we all learn from our mistakes. It isn't too late for you. (I hope)

Sincerely,

Voldemort

Dear Voldemort,

You're trying to teach me grammar? Why? Please tell me your joking right? Cause if you're not I'm going to be so pissed that I might just shove a cattle prod straight up a random person's ass. AND I DON'T MAKE BUTCHERED NOISES!!! All right? By the way you're a fagot.

Choke on something,

Harry Potter

Dear Mr. Potter,

Why did you write in all capitals on that one sentence? And one exclamation point would've sufficed, remember we're not talking we're writing letters to each other. It would be great if I could hear 500 miles away that well, but that's not how things work where I am which would be in your parent's bedroom where I'm currently peeing on their mattress, it's yellow now. Oh and by the way it's not very nice to shove a cattle prod up someone's butt I've had it done to me before. I don't care to mention the details because it's a very long story in which you most likely don't have the patience for or the wisdom to comprehend it even though it's very simple. Nevertheless having that done to me was very painful.

Sincerely,

Voldemort

Dear Voldemort,

YOU PISSED ON MY PARENT'S MATTRESS!? WHY?! You sicken me so much that I should really see these things coming you know that? By the way I'm glad that a cattle prod was shoved up your ass for whatever reason, you deserve it.

Asswipe,

Harry Potter

Dear Mr. Potter,

I'm very hurt that you think I deserve such horrible pain. And what did I tell you about writing in all capitals? This is quill and parchment, not a keyboard. On a side note I happened to notice that our letters have been commonly intercepted and are being read by people on an internet site, Isn't that strange? They also seem to be sending things called 'reviews' to my lord and master: the master of cheese graters. I wonder who they think is better, you or me…Anyway I peed on your parent's mattress because I already destroyed their bathroom with flaming poop. Oh that was fun.

Sincerely,

Voldemort

Dear Voldemort,

…I'm going to ignore the fact about what you did to the bathroom since I'm not really surprised. But what the hell is an internet site? And of course I'm better then you. And who the fucking hell is the master of cheese graters? Is he your slave, or is he a whore?

Please tell me?,

Harry Potter

Dear Mr. Potter,

How dare you. Never speak my lord's name in vain again. Now it's too late to ask for forgiveness. _When the time of the seventh tome of your adventures comes to existence, it shall be published that you defeat me in an epic battle. But in reality I shall win. I will torture you in a thousand unimaginable ways. You, your friends, and your friend's families will die._

_Sleep tight,_

Voldemort

**FIN?**

**What fate awaits our Dear Mr. Potter for insulting Voldemort's lord and Master?**

The italics were my attempt at an icy demonic voice (ON PARCHMENT! YAY!)


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